The Gift of Feedback - How to Give & How to Receive

Feedback is important – it improves performance, develops talent, aligns expectations, solves problems, guides promotion and pay, and boosts the bottom line.

Sadly, the process of giving feedback has been pushed to the corner, addressed only a couple of times each year during the performance review. We save up all of our comments and document all of the things we note, no doubt in part because the process is unnerving and feared. This is a shame because giving and receiving feedback is some of the most important communication.

The good news is that feedback is something you can practice. Given the right way with the right intentions, you can build your confidence. Quality feedback exchanges also build trust between the giver and the receiver.

GIVING FEEDBACK

1. Make it a Positive Process and Experience – the purpose for giving feedback is to improve the situation or performance. Your delivery will set the receiver’s mind and attitude, influencing how your message is taken and the willingness on the part of the receiver to change. People react to a negative interaction six times more strongly than they react to a positive interaction, according to a study published by Professor Andrew Miner. Consider starting the conversation with “let me give you some feedback” which lets the person prepare emotionally.
2. Choose What to Correct – you need to weigh the tradeoffs involved in giving negative feedback. If an error is so minor that the value of correction doesn’t overcome the potential emotional result, consider keeping it to yourself.
3. Make It Regular – feedback requires constant attention. When something needs to be said, say it. You will increase their confidence because they will know right away where they stand. Feedback given on a regular basis leads to no surprises during the formal review sessions.
4. Criticize in Private – establish a safe place to talk where you won’t be interrupted or overheard.
5. Use “I” Statements – give the feedback from your perspective to avoid labeling the person.
6. Limit Your Focus – a session should discuss no more than two issues. Any more than that risks making the person feel demoralized or attacked. Be sure to stick to behaviors that the person can actually change or influence.
7. Talk About Positives Too – a good rule is to start off with something positive to help put the person at ease. Frame it so that the person can “see” what success looks like. Be careful not sandwich the constructive feedback between too many positives, which will water down the feedback.
8. Provide Specific Suggestions – make sure you both know what needs to be done to improve the situation. Your message should be that you care and you want to help the person grow and develop.
9. Ask Questions – give the other person a chance to process what you’ve said, and to give you their side of the story.
10. Follow Up – the whole purpose of feedback is to improve performance. Measure success and make adjustments as you go.

RECEIVING FEEDBACK

Improving the skills of the feedback giver won’t accomplish much if the receiver isn’t able to absorb what is said. The receiver controls whether feedback is let in or kept out, and decides whether or not to change. A critical performance review, a well-intended suggestion, or an oblique comment can spark an emotional reaction.

Developing your feedback receiving skill will help you identify and manage the emotions triggered by the feedback and extract value from criticism even when it’s poorly delivered. It may seem like there are a thousand ways feedback can push your buttons. In fact, there are only three:

Truth triggers are set off by the content of the feedback. When assessments or advice seem off base, unhelpful, or simply untrue, you feel indignant, wronged and exasperated.

Relationship triggers are tripped by your view of the person giving the feedback. What you believe about the giver and how you feel about your previous interactions will color how you take the message.

Identity triggers are all about how you view yourself. Whether the feedback is right or wrong, wise or witless, it can be devastating if it causes your sense of who you are to come undone. In such moments you’ll struggle with feeling overwhelmed, defensive or off-balance.

Recognizing when your response to the feedback is out of proportion to the delivery or content is something you can learn, and you can build your skill in finding the gift despite the package. Try to understand the other person’s point of view, and experiment with different ways of doing things. Be prepared to discard critiques that are genuinely not helpful or misguided. Use these steps to keep from throwing away valuable feedback, or acting on comments that are damaging:

1. Know Your Tendencies – consider the following questions: do you defend yourself on the facts, argue about the delivery method, or strike back? Do you smile on the outside but seethe on the inside? Do you get teary or filled with indignation? Does the hurt ease over time? Do you reject feedback right away, and then reconsider? Do you accept it first, and then later decide it’s not valid? Do you agree with it, but have trouble changing?
2. Separate the “What” from the “Who” – both in the case of the person giving the feedback and in making the feedback about who you are instead of what you are doing.
3. Treat it as Coaching – feeling judged is likely to set off your identity triggers and can drown out the opportunity to learn. Work to hear feedback as potentially valuable advice from a fresh perspective, rather than an indictment of what you’ve done in the past.
4. Open the Gift – before you accept or reject it, do some analysis to better understand it. What does it really mean? Exactly what prompted the feedback and what should you do differently and why? Further discussion could clarify.
5. Ask for Just One Thing – feedback is less likely to set off emotional triggers if you request and direct it. Find opportunities to get bite-sized pieces of coaching from a variety of people.
6. Experiment Small – after you’ve received feedback, it may be difficult to figure out which bits will help and which ones won’t. Design small experiments to find out. If it works, great, if it doesn’t you can try again, tweak your approach, or end the experiment.

Research has shown that those who intentionally seek feedback tend to get higher performance ratings. Why? Mainly because someone who seeks is more likely to take what is said to heart and genuinely improve. Also since you ask for feedback, you not only find out how others see you, you also influence how they see you. Seeking constructive criticism communicates humility, respect, passion for excellence, and confidence – all at once.